opening and closing doors

it's funny how it works - the opening and closing of the doors o' opportunity. sometimes it seems like the Lord is just throwing bones my way. maybe He does it to keep me entertained. or maybe He does it to keep me from getting too comfortable. or maybe He does it to make sure I know - even though I do know - but to really be sure I know, that He's on top of the details of my life, that He hasn't forgotten about me. or maybe He does it just because He can.

your guess is as good as mine.

but whatever the reason, He does it. out of nowhere, along the street of my life, He opens a door. sometimes it's a door I've probably passed a 100 times but never noticed. sometimes it's a door I absolutely DO NOT want to walk through. sometimes it's a door I've been watching, waiting, and praying would ope regardless of which door it is - regardless of whether He full on swings the bad boy wide open, or if He cracks it just a bit, or if it's a spinning door that I'm stuck in for awhile and just going around and around (where I can see the possibility of what might be and the reality of what is) regardless of what kind of door it is, they are all a blessing.

there have been a lot of doors cracking open lately - some are cracking open just a wee bit wider than others - some are barely cracking open at all. one or two have been the spinning kind and i have a made a few loops around. i've noticed several doors recently that have remained shut. deadbolted. with a safety lock. and a chain - you know - just in case. the closed doors are protection. they are the Lord's protection over my life. in many cases they serve as a warning. most of them i can get through if i really want. i can force my way in. i can break the door down. but i don't want to force my way in. i want the doors to be opened for me. i want to be invited in, welcomed even.

and i think that's what the Lord wants for me. in fact, i know it is.

He wants to open the right doors for me, His doors. and He wants to open them at the right time, His time. and He wants to do it IN His time.

so, i'm just kicking it. enjoying life one day at a time. moment by moment. taking it as it come. doing my best to be patient... which is not so much my greatest strength... praying for direction and for discernment. praying to have the good sense to know which doors He wants me to walk through, and which doors He wants me to walk past. trying my best to seek Him and be joyful regardless of circumstance (not that my circumstance is anything to complain about.) because let's face it - i am blessed.

seriously blessed.

and i read a blog post earlier today that reminded of just how blessed i am. a blog post from sixty feet. a post that talked about how, amidst really terrible circumstances, really deplorable and atrocious circumstances, are children who, by all earthly expectations, should be consumed with despair. children who praise God - not because of what He has done for them, what they have, or their circumstances - but because of who HE is. they praise Him simply because they can and simply because He is who He is. a savior. a King. the only living God.

that blog post was a door. a full-on wide open door. i was invited to walk right through it and sit down at the foot of the cross to be reminded of much this life is not about me. and yes, i am clearly blessed, which is the result of no effort of my own. none whatsoever. but i am blessed nonetheless. but it's not about my blessings. the joy, the praise, the desire to live a life that glorifies Jesus above all else - that is not about the blessings - it's not about my circumstance. it's just about Him. it's all about Him. His grace. His mercy. His forgiveness. His love.

and it's good. His glory is really, really, really good. it's the best door to walk through. and it's full-on wide open. all the time.

all you can eat

Jesus is like an "all you can eat" buffet of grace, mercy, forgiveness, kindness, patience.

so... do you have a dog?

I don't struggle with conversation all too often. A semi-secret talent is my ability to talk two or listen to three convos all at the same time - its a gift I inherited from my grandmother Genevieve. So finding myself incapable of keeping a conversation alive is somewhat of a rarity for me. But it happened recently. I found myself drowning in a sea of awkward conversation (or lack there of, as was the case) with no lifeguard on duty to jump in for the rescue.

I could have asked any number of substantial questions, but I choose to stay in safe territory and hit the high points of any surface conversation: "What you been up to the past 5 or 6 years? Oh, same old, same old... Okay... now where are you working these days? Okay, same place, that's great. You enjoy that? Ummm hummm.... now where are you living? Okay, yeah, that's a great area.... So... do you have a dog?"

I don't know why I think this is so hilarious, but I do. I thought it was funny at the time, and I have been giggling about it since I asked it. "So... Do you have a dog?" I mean really? Surely there were a gazillion other meaningful questions I could have asked... and while I have found myself giggling over the dog question, I have also found myself thinking about the conversation as a whole. Not once did I stop to consider the needs of the person with whom I was speaking. In fact, I was irritated at how difficult it was to keep the conversation going. The dog question was my desperate attempt to keep it on life support, because I knew regardless of the response I received, I could pick up and ramble on about Rosie for hours. It was a selfish question. It was easy for me. Truthfully, I just needed to keep this thing alive until the lifeguard came back on duty (aka, until my friend returned from the ladies room) and I was thinking about myself. I was thinking about the fact that I didn't want to stand in awkward silence with this person, around whom I already felt a little insecure, and feel even more uncomfortable. So I forced a conversation that may have actually made someone else feel uncomfortable.

It's ironic how easy it is to revert to former versions of myself. To find myself in these moments where I lose sight of who I am and who grounds me. Moments in which I succumb to insecurity, fear, self doubt, anxiety, and inadequacy. Moments that the enemy preys on my humanity, and that in my humanity, I strive to control life rather than surrender to the one who has given it to me. Moments - many moments - that I make it all about myself. Moments that I place way too much value in earthly, temporary things or other people's opinions. Moments that I seek to draw strength from within myself, rather than from the one who lives IN me. And in my humanity, I fail. Time and time again. These failures are a blessing, a beautiful reminder of my need, and of the truth that, alone, I fail. I will always fail alone. In Him, I triumph. With Him I will always triumph.

How easy it is to forget that truth and go at it alone.

Note to self: must remember, alone I fail. Alone I say things like, "so... do you have a dog?"

the iPad has changed my life

I'll tell you this, I've continued to pray through the struggle of needs vs. wants, but if ever there were a piece o' technology that I need - as in life changing need - that piece o' techno is fo' sho my iPad.

This little nugget of genius has revolutionized my world. It's like my new baby blanket, I don't want to leave it at home, or in the car, I want to sleep with it and take it everywhere I go.

Now maybe that is borderline dysfunctional, but it is what it is. iPad I heart you. Thank you Santa for my iPad, after 25+ years of resentment for never bringing me the Robie Jr. that I asked for at least 7 Christmases in a row, I now forgive you completely. You have made technology amends, and you may continue to visit me annually.

getting out of the mud

where i grew up, there is an activity that many people do for fun, said activity is known as "mudding." it consists of driving a 4-wheel drive car around in the mud - and i mean the thicker, deeper, bigger and muddier the mud, the better.

there was this time that my brother took his truck mudding. it got stuck and it got dark. when one gets their 4-wheel drive vehicle stuck in the mud, one must then find an even larger 4-wheel drive vehicle to get yours "un-stuck." this can prove to be challenging. thus the brother had to leave said stuck vehicle in its stuck-ness overnight. as one would expect - in order to have mud - you need rain. it rained that night. and then it rained some more. and then the aforementioned vehicle drowned. goodbye to you aforementioned 4-wheel drive vehicle, goodbye to you.

we get ourselves into these situations, or rather i often PUT myself into these situations, where i attempt to navigate and drive through the really big, deep, muddy mud. i used to try to maintain a balance between losing control just enough to really enjoy it, and striving to maintain just enough control to not completely lose it.

it's a constant balancing act - the holding on and letting go of control. it's exhausting. i never did it very well. i've quit trying. but sometimes i forget i quit trying, and then just like that - i'm stuck - so marred up in that mud i can't get out.

and then, the rain comes. and i'm really stuck.

and now i am certain of what i already knew, but opted not to think about while i was in the process of getting myself stuck - i need help. i need to be rescued.

i need somebody with a monster truck type of situation to pull me out of the messes i get myself into.

all in all, i think getting stuck in the mud is, without question, totally worth the reminder that i am completely incapable of pulling myself out of the mud. it reminds me of all the things i should have let go of in the first place. it reminds me that the balancing act of control is pointless - i simply can not learn to master what i am humanly incapable of mastering. it reminds me that i am deeply, intensely, and desperately in need of being rescued. i need to be rescued in a huge way.

i got stuck in the mud today - and i was reminded of my need to be rescued, to be pulled out of the mess.

i got reminded that my futile attempts to control and effectively manage situations is pointless, which is why i quit trying to do it in the first place.

i can't make me people be who i want them to be and i can't make people do what i want them to do anymore than someone can make me be who they want me to be or do what they want me to do. it doesn't work that way. with different people comes different personalities, insecurities, character traits,

and different ways of handling - or not handling - certain situations. it can be incredibly frustrating. exhausting even. recognizing i have little to no control over the fact that i'm stuck in the mud, and that i actually am stuck because of my own stubborn selfishness.

and it's so easy in the midst of that frustration to throw it on to others.

to cast blame. to judge behaviors. to deem them weak, incapable, unwilling. to make it all about me, and completely somebody else's fault. but where does that get me when i know i am incapable of saving myself anyway? but i have forgotten, again, that rather than dwelling in the mess, i should have been focused on the rescue.

because that's what its all about.

it's not about me and it's not about someone else. what they've done - or haven't done - it's about the continual recognition that i will never be capable of controlling it all, and that truthfully, i don't want to. it is through surrender, that i find freedom. in that moment of release, my soul and spirit are lifted from the weight of the muddy, dirty, filthy mess that held me down. and i can breathe again.

the mud challenged me today. it challenged me to open my blind eyes, once again, to see my own shortcomings (and I have a gracious plenty.) the craziest part of all is that getting stuck in the mud - as exhausting and frustrating as it may be in the moment - is a tremendous blessing.

it reminds me of my own weakness; my need. it forces me to look at myself and examine my life, to be reminded that i know who i am. i know who i am living for. i know what defines me.

now, if only i could live like i know these things...

i guess that is part of the journey, part of the beauty of being refined one day at a time. so thank you Lord for the mud. thank you for the opportunity to see my own weakness, selfishness, pride and how quick to judge others and point out the splinter in their eye while i ignore the plank in my own. thank you sweet Jesus for the opportunity to seek you in the way i deal with challenging people, and thank you for the way you rescue me from the mud with your bigger than a monster truck sized grace.