getting out of the mud

where i grew up, there is an activity that many people do for fun, said activity is known as "mudding." it consists of driving a 4-wheel drive car around in the mud - and i mean the thicker, deeper, bigger and muddier the mud, the better.

there was this time that my brother took his truck mudding. it got stuck and it got dark. when one gets their 4-wheel drive vehicle stuck in the mud, one must then find an even larger 4-wheel drive vehicle to get yours "un-stuck." this can prove to be challenging. thus the brother had to leave said stuck vehicle in its stuck-ness overnight. as one would expect - in order to have mud - you need rain. it rained that night. and then it rained some more. and then the aforementioned vehicle drowned. goodbye to you aforementioned 4-wheel drive vehicle, goodbye to you.

we get ourselves into these situations, or rather i often PUT myself into these situations, where i attempt to navigate and drive through the really big, deep, muddy mud. i used to try to maintain a balance between losing control just enough to really enjoy it, and striving to maintain just enough control to not completely lose it.

it's a constant balancing act - the holding on and letting go of control. it's exhausting. i never did it very well. i've quit trying. but sometimes i forget i quit trying, and then just like that - i'm stuck - so marred up in that mud i can't get out.

and then, the rain comes. and i'm really stuck.

and now i am certain of what i already knew, but opted not to think about while i was in the process of getting myself stuck - i need help. i need to be rescued.

i need somebody with a monster truck type of situation to pull me out of the messes i get myself into.

all in all, i think getting stuck in the mud is, without question, totally worth the reminder that i am completely incapable of pulling myself out of the mud. it reminds me of all the things i should have let go of in the first place. it reminds me that the balancing act of control is pointless - i simply can not learn to master what i am humanly incapable of mastering. it reminds me that i am deeply, intensely, and desperately in need of being rescued. i need to be rescued in a huge way.

i got stuck in the mud today - and i was reminded of my need to be rescued, to be pulled out of the mess.

i got reminded that my futile attempts to control and effectively manage situations is pointless, which is why i quit trying to do it in the first place.

i can't make me people be who i want them to be and i can't make people do what i want them to do anymore than someone can make me be who they want me to be or do what they want me to do. it doesn't work that way. with different people comes different personalities, insecurities, character traits,

and different ways of handling - or not handling - certain situations. it can be incredibly frustrating. exhausting even. recognizing i have little to no control over the fact that i'm stuck in the mud, and that i actually am stuck because of my own stubborn selfishness.

and it's so easy in the midst of that frustration to throw it on to others.

to cast blame. to judge behaviors. to deem them weak, incapable, unwilling. to make it all about me, and completely somebody else's fault. but where does that get me when i know i am incapable of saving myself anyway? but i have forgotten, again, that rather than dwelling in the mess, i should have been focused on the rescue.

because that's what its all about.

it's not about me and it's not about someone else. what they've done - or haven't done - it's about the continual recognition that i will never be capable of controlling it all, and that truthfully, i don't want to. it is through surrender, that i find freedom. in that moment of release, my soul and spirit are lifted from the weight of the muddy, dirty, filthy mess that held me down. and i can breathe again.

the mud challenged me today. it challenged me to open my blind eyes, once again, to see my own shortcomings (and I have a gracious plenty.) the craziest part of all is that getting stuck in the mud - as exhausting and frustrating as it may be in the moment - is a tremendous blessing.

it reminds me of my own weakness; my need. it forces me to look at myself and examine my life, to be reminded that i know who i am. i know who i am living for. i know what defines me.

now, if only i could live like i know these things...

i guess that is part of the journey, part of the beauty of being refined one day at a time. so thank you Lord for the mud. thank you for the opportunity to see my own weakness, selfishness, pride and how quick to judge others and point out the splinter in their eye while i ignore the plank in my own. thank you sweet Jesus for the opportunity to seek you in the way i deal with challenging people, and thank you for the way you rescue me from the mud with your bigger than a monster truck sized grace.