Transparency

I have been thinking a lot about transparency lately.

About being totally true to who I am at all times in all situations.

It's harder than I expected it to be. Much harder.

Especially when who I am is so incredibly insufficient.

And it's easier than I expected it to be. Much easier. Because who I am IS so incredibly insufficient.

For a long time, I led a fragmented life. I wasn't intentionally deceitful, but it's fair to say that there were behaviors and aspects of my life that I choose not to advertise / fully disclose - especially to certain people. I wanted people to see how "good" I was, so I tried to highlight the "good" and in my mind, I kept things separate as a way to justify the rest of it. So I claimed the concept of leading a "balanced life" and I hung my hat on that lame justification for years.

Why did I ever want to balance eternal freedom in Christ with anything? It's a great question - and candidly, it's one I've asked myself a million times. It just seems so stupid to me now. So shortsighted. The truth is that I checked the "I'm a Christian" box for years. I believed in Jesus, I understood the magnitude of the sacrifice He made - His life for mine. I got how huge that was, and I claimed Him as my Savior. I claimed to trust in Him fully, and in most ways I did. But I opted out of surrender. I chose to commit my life to Christ on my terms, in my way, and I failed to surrender all aspects of me to all aspects of Him. I opted out because of fear. I opted out, and I suffered. I feared how surrender might materialize in my daily life. I feared that it might separate me from my friends, alienate me from them - what if I became irrelevant? I didn't want to become some goody goody bible beating dork. Satan knew that, and he used it against me. Satan tapped into my fear and mixed it with fun. A whole lot of fun. And he mixed that fun in with friends, close friends, friends that I love, which intensified the fear of becoming irrelevant to them. But as much fun as I had - and I had a lot - (for the record, I STILL have a lot of fun) - it wasn't enough. And as great as my friends are - and they are great - they weren't enough. Not even close. And I suffered as a result of my own unwillingness to let go of myself and live for the Lord I claimed to worship. I was blind. Blinded by my own selfishness to make my life all about me, to live it my way, on my terms, in my timing. I was an idiot.

And one day I woke up. One day my eyes were opened. Opened in a way they had never been open before.

And everything changed.

And it changed in a fabulous way. I found release. I found FREEDOM.

I surrendered.

I desired to live for more than myself - I desired to live for the Lord. I realized that if I truly believed what I claimed to believe as a "Christian," then my life couldn't be about me - it had to be all about Christ. It had to be for Christ - ALL of it. And why, seriously, why in the world, would I want to balance anything with the God of the Universe, my Savior, my maker, my redeemer, my heart? What on this earth could possibly be better than anything He has to offer me? Parties, status, friends, football, my social life, my family, my career, money, clothes, cars, houses - what of these things or which of these people could give me more than He can?

His least is so far above and beyond the world's best. It seems so clear to me now. So obvious, but it took me years to grasp this truth and attempt to live by it.

I no longer strive for balance. I strive to glorify Christ in all that I am and in all that I do - no more fragmentation. From my professional life to my personal life, its all out there on the table. I am completely defined - in all ways - by the Savior who has given me life. No matter where I am, no matter who I am with, no matter what I am doing - my desire is to seek His will over my own and to glorify Him.

Mind you, I fail at this. I fail daily, I fail hourly. I fail multiple times per minute. I fail because I am so insufficient. And I struggle. I struggle all the time.

I fail because as much as I desire to seek His will over my own and to glorify Him in all situations, I am still human. And I forget. My selfishness takes over, and I make my life all about me rather than about Him - and I fail.

And then, as He always does, He gently reminds me that I have strayed. He helps me see that I have pulled away from Him, and have once again attempted to make it about me. He forgives, He redeems, He fills the emptiness in my soul that can only be filled by the one who created it. And I am consumed with joy. Joy that can not be swayed. Joy that can not be taken away from me. In the midst of confusion, lack of understanding, anger, frustration, even deep, deep sadness, I am consumed with a peaceful, freeing joy that can only come from Him. A joy that is the result of surrender, daily, minute by minute surrender. Surrender that allows me to know that I am completely His and not at all mine. It's funny, that fear I had of becoming irrelevant to my friends - I didn't - at least not the ones that were really my friends. And my fear of becoming a bible beating goody goody - well, that hasn't exactly materialized either - but the truth is, thump thump. Bring it on. How blessed I would be to spend so much time with the Lord that He brings me to a place where He is all I desire and the only words I speak are His words. Seriously, what an incredible blessing.

Which brings me back to transparency. To my desire to live a real life, a life that is glorifying to God in all ways, all places, and all times. To be held accountable for my failures, for my inadequacies, for the areas in my life where I struggle - because now I know what it means to have a full abundant life - I know what it's like because it's my reality. It's my life. It's my life because my life is not my own, and in giving myself away, I have been given so much more.

"Beloved, now we are children of God; and it has not yet been revealed what we shall be, but we know that when He is revealed, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is." 1 John 3:2