Giving and Receiving

It's ironic how much easier it is to receive forgiveness than it is to give it.

We expect others to treat us well, to be kind, patient, compassionate, to extend grace towards us when its needed, and to forgive us when we've faltered. These basics of human kindness are the foundation of real, solid, lasting relationships.

Yet so often, especially when it comes to those that we love, we fail to give these things while we fully expect to receive them.

So often we just don't think. We speak, we act, we move forward. Treating others not as we would like to be treated, but based on our own mood, insecurities, circumstances and situations. We give the worst parts of ourselves rather than the best.

Forgiveness is the one that I've been really thinking about lately. I've watched several friends recently struggle with it. Struggle to give it to others and struggle to give it to themselves. Granting forgiveness can be a long hard battle.

I think the key to forgiveness is to remember that it is a CHOICE. We choose to give it or not. Just as we must choose to receive it or not.

STOP.

Ferris Bueller has one of my all time favorite quotes. He says, "Life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it."

There's so much truth in that. I feel like sometimes I'm so forward focused, trying so hard to "plan" that I don't enjoy where I am right now. I don't stop to enjoy the beautiful things that are right in front of me. I take the details for granted. I don't slow down long enough to say thank you, to smile at someone else, to speak a kind word. I get so wrapped up in my own business that I lose sight of what really matters. And I MISS experiencing real, abundant life as it was meant to be experienced.

It's sad how quickly and easily I can get caught up in things that just DO NOT matter. How fast I can dive inward and attempt to make my world revolve around me, to focus on what I want and when I want it. And then I find myself feeling lost, disconnected, dissatisfied with where I am. Frustrated that things aren't going MY way, according to MY plan.

You know those pictures that you can stare at for a long time and then they become something completely different? There's one - a drawing - that is of a beautiful girl and then when you look at it long enough, an ugly old lady pops out of the same image, and you see her instead of the beautiful young girl. It's like that for me sometimes. I get so locked in on this one thing, I focus so hard on it that somehow I quit looking at the big picture, I forget to STOP, I forget to look around at the things that make it what it is, and I lose sight. It becomes distorted. Something completely different. And all of the sudden, I realize I have put my faith NOT in Him, but in what I think I understand His plan for me to be, and I find that the picture I was initially looking at has become something completely different.

So the goal for today is to STOP. To take a look around. To not miss the amazing things that are right in front of me. To not miss the opportunity to experience abundant life as it was meant to be lived.

have your cake and eat it

I have been craving my sister's wedding cake for the past 48 hours... Random craving I know, but, it was delisch and I love cake. Especially wedding cake. Anyway, my craving for cake has gotten me thinking about the old saying of "you can't have your cake and eat it too."

I think this is a dumb saying. It doesn't really even make all that much sense. I discussed this with my mama over breakfast this morning and she said it means that you can't have things two ways - as in you can't have the cake and eat it, because once you eat it, it's gone and you no longer have it. I think she also agrees this saying could use a little fine tuning.

Why would I want to have a cake and then not eat it? If it just sits there, it will dry out and not be delicious. Wasted. Cake is baked to be eaten. And as one who is NOT known for my baking skills, I think it is a serious waste to not capitalize on the opportunity to eat some cake. So I have revamped the old saying, I say go forth and enjoy life. Live well, be joyful, and when you have cake, eat it.

take nothing for granted...

"take nothing for granted..." these were the closing words o' wisdom from Ryan Seacrest in the final seconds of tonight's (Tuesday, 3/1/11) American Idol, which featured the Top 12 guys in the competition.

Such profound words for Idol, and to think, its only the beginning. Ah, the fun that lies ahead... If only we could do for reality tv what Glee has done for Rhianna's "Umbrella-Ella-Ella-eh-eh-eh" and "Singin' in the Rain" by the peeps who sung in the rain - a mash up of epic proportion.

What's my reality tv mash-up dream? I'm so glad you asked... Chris Harrison, the cast of The Bachelor & Bachelor Pad must compete in America's Next Top Model, while ANTM contestants must compete in The Apprentice, while Apprentice contestants must move in with the cast of the "Real" Housewives from each city in which the alleged "housewives" live. They all must co-habitate in a house together, a la Big Brother, while competing to win the heart of Donald Trump via the world's most grueling singing competition and a 1 year contract to be the next Cover Girl. The winner receives a rose from Gillian of The Biggest Loser and is also invited to family dinner at the home of the Kardashian/Jenner family. All of this would of course be filmed at the same time and shown without commercials.

Let's face it, this would be quality reality television peeps... clearly this is not evoking even remotely substantial thought, but, for the sake of entertainment, what's your ideal reality mash up look like?

Transparency

I have been thinking a lot about transparency lately.

About being totally true to who I am at all times in all situations.

It's harder than I expected it to be. Much harder.

Especially when who I am is so incredibly insufficient.

And it's easier than I expected it to be. Much easier. Because who I am IS so incredibly insufficient.

For a long time, I led a fragmented life. I wasn't intentionally deceitful, but it's fair to say that there were behaviors and aspects of my life that I choose not to advertise / fully disclose - especially to certain people. I wanted people to see how "good" I was, so I tried to highlight the "good" and in my mind, I kept things separate as a way to justify the rest of it. So I claimed the concept of leading a "balanced life" and I hung my hat on that lame justification for years.

Why did I ever want to balance eternal freedom in Christ with anything? It's a great question - and candidly, it's one I've asked myself a million times. It just seems so stupid to me now. So shortsighted. The truth is that I checked the "I'm a Christian" box for years. I believed in Jesus, I understood the magnitude of the sacrifice He made - His life for mine. I got how huge that was, and I claimed Him as my Savior. I claimed to trust in Him fully, and in most ways I did. But I opted out of surrender. I chose to commit my life to Christ on my terms, in my way, and I failed to surrender all aspects of me to all aspects of Him. I opted out because of fear. I opted out, and I suffered. I feared how surrender might materialize in my daily life. I feared that it might separate me from my friends, alienate me from them - what if I became irrelevant? I didn't want to become some goody goody bible beating dork. Satan knew that, and he used it against me. Satan tapped into my fear and mixed it with fun. A whole lot of fun. And he mixed that fun in with friends, close friends, friends that I love, which intensified the fear of becoming irrelevant to them. But as much fun as I had - and I had a lot - (for the record, I STILL have a lot of fun) - it wasn't enough. And as great as my friends are - and they are great - they weren't enough. Not even close. And I suffered as a result of my own unwillingness to let go of myself and live for the Lord I claimed to worship. I was blind. Blinded by my own selfishness to make my life all about me, to live it my way, on my terms, in my timing. I was an idiot.

And one day I woke up. One day my eyes were opened. Opened in a way they had never been open before.

And everything changed.

And it changed in a fabulous way. I found release. I found FREEDOM.

I surrendered.

I desired to live for more than myself - I desired to live for the Lord. I realized that if I truly believed what I claimed to believe as a "Christian," then my life couldn't be about me - it had to be all about Christ. It had to be for Christ - ALL of it. And why, seriously, why in the world, would I want to balance anything with the God of the Universe, my Savior, my maker, my redeemer, my heart? What on this earth could possibly be better than anything He has to offer me? Parties, status, friends, football, my social life, my family, my career, money, clothes, cars, houses - what of these things or which of these people could give me more than He can?

His least is so far above and beyond the world's best. It seems so clear to me now. So obvious, but it took me years to grasp this truth and attempt to live by it.

I no longer strive for balance. I strive to glorify Christ in all that I am and in all that I do - no more fragmentation. From my professional life to my personal life, its all out there on the table. I am completely defined - in all ways - by the Savior who has given me life. No matter where I am, no matter who I am with, no matter what I am doing - my desire is to seek His will over my own and to glorify Him.

Mind you, I fail at this. I fail daily, I fail hourly. I fail multiple times per minute. I fail because I am so insufficient. And I struggle. I struggle all the time.

I fail because as much as I desire to seek His will over my own and to glorify Him in all situations, I am still human. And I forget. My selfishness takes over, and I make my life all about me rather than about Him - and I fail.

And then, as He always does, He gently reminds me that I have strayed. He helps me see that I have pulled away from Him, and have once again attempted to make it about me. He forgives, He redeems, He fills the emptiness in my soul that can only be filled by the one who created it. And I am consumed with joy. Joy that can not be swayed. Joy that can not be taken away from me. In the midst of confusion, lack of understanding, anger, frustration, even deep, deep sadness, I am consumed with a peaceful, freeing joy that can only come from Him. A joy that is the result of surrender, daily, minute by minute surrender. Surrender that allows me to know that I am completely His and not at all mine. It's funny, that fear I had of becoming irrelevant to my friends - I didn't - at least not the ones that were really my friends. And my fear of becoming a bible beating goody goody - well, that hasn't exactly materialized either - but the truth is, thump thump. Bring it on. How blessed I would be to spend so much time with the Lord that He brings me to a place where He is all I desire and the only words I speak are His words. Seriously, what an incredible blessing.

Which brings me back to transparency. To my desire to live a real life, a life that is glorifying to God in all ways, all places, and all times. To be held accountable for my failures, for my inadequacies, for the areas in my life where I struggle - because now I know what it means to have a full abundant life - I know what it's like because it's my reality. It's my life. It's my life because my life is not my own, and in giving myself away, I have been given so much more.

"Beloved, now we are children of God; and it has not yet been revealed what we shall be, but we know that when He is revealed, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is." 1 John 3:2

opening and closing doors

it's funny how it works - the opening and closing of the doors o' opportunity. sometimes it seems like the Lord is just throwing bones my way. maybe He does it to keep me entertained. or maybe He does it to keep me from getting too comfortable. or maybe He does it to make sure I know - even though I do know - but to really be sure I know, that He's on top of the details of my life, that He hasn't forgotten about me. or maybe He does it just because He can.

your guess is as good as mine.

but whatever the reason, He does it. out of nowhere, along the street of my life, He opens a door. sometimes it's a door I've probably passed a 100 times but never noticed. sometimes it's a door I absolutely DO NOT want to walk through. sometimes it's a door I've been watching, waiting, and praying would ope regardless of which door it is - regardless of whether He full on swings the bad boy wide open, or if He cracks it just a bit, or if it's a spinning door that I'm stuck in for awhile and just going around and around (where I can see the possibility of what might be and the reality of what is) regardless of what kind of door it is, they are all a blessing.

there have been a lot of doors cracking open lately - some are cracking open just a wee bit wider than others - some are barely cracking open at all. one or two have been the spinning kind and i have a made a few loops around. i've noticed several doors recently that have remained shut. deadbolted. with a safety lock. and a chain - you know - just in case. the closed doors are protection. they are the Lord's protection over my life. in many cases they serve as a warning. most of them i can get through if i really want. i can force my way in. i can break the door down. but i don't want to force my way in. i want the doors to be opened for me. i want to be invited in, welcomed even.

and i think that's what the Lord wants for me. in fact, i know it is.

He wants to open the right doors for me, His doors. and He wants to open them at the right time, His time. and He wants to do it IN His time.

so, i'm just kicking it. enjoying life one day at a time. moment by moment. taking it as it come. doing my best to be patient... which is not so much my greatest strength... praying for direction and for discernment. praying to have the good sense to know which doors He wants me to walk through, and which doors He wants me to walk past. trying my best to seek Him and be joyful regardless of circumstance (not that my circumstance is anything to complain about.) because let's face it - i am blessed.

seriously blessed.

and i read a blog post earlier today that reminded of just how blessed i am. a blog post from sixty feet. a post that talked about how, amidst really terrible circumstances, really deplorable and atrocious circumstances, are children who, by all earthly expectations, should be consumed with despair. children who praise God - not because of what He has done for them, what they have, or their circumstances - but because of who HE is. they praise Him simply because they can and simply because He is who He is. a savior. a King. the only living God.

that blog post was a door. a full-on wide open door. i was invited to walk right through it and sit down at the foot of the cross to be reminded of much this life is not about me. and yes, i am clearly blessed, which is the result of no effort of my own. none whatsoever. but i am blessed nonetheless. but it's not about my blessings. the joy, the praise, the desire to live a life that glorifies Jesus above all else - that is not about the blessings - it's not about my circumstance. it's just about Him. it's all about Him. His grace. His mercy. His forgiveness. His love.

and it's good. His glory is really, really, really good. it's the best door to walk through. and it's full-on wide open. all the time.

all you can eat

Jesus is like an "all you can eat" buffet of grace, mercy, forgiveness, kindness, patience.

so... do you have a dog?

I don't struggle with conversation all too often. A semi-secret talent is my ability to talk two or listen to three convos all at the same time - its a gift I inherited from my grandmother Genevieve. So finding myself incapable of keeping a conversation alive is somewhat of a rarity for me. But it happened recently. I found myself drowning in a sea of awkward conversation (or lack there of, as was the case) with no lifeguard on duty to jump in for the rescue.

I could have asked any number of substantial questions, but I choose to stay in safe territory and hit the high points of any surface conversation: "What you been up to the past 5 or 6 years? Oh, same old, same old... Okay... now where are you working these days? Okay, same place, that's great. You enjoy that? Ummm hummm.... now where are you living? Okay, yeah, that's a great area.... So... do you have a dog?"

I don't know why I think this is so hilarious, but I do. I thought it was funny at the time, and I have been giggling about it since I asked it. "So... Do you have a dog?" I mean really? Surely there were a gazillion other meaningful questions I could have asked... and while I have found myself giggling over the dog question, I have also found myself thinking about the conversation as a whole. Not once did I stop to consider the needs of the person with whom I was speaking. In fact, I was irritated at how difficult it was to keep the conversation going. The dog question was my desperate attempt to keep it on life support, because I knew regardless of the response I received, I could pick up and ramble on about Rosie for hours. It was a selfish question. It was easy for me. Truthfully, I just needed to keep this thing alive until the lifeguard came back on duty (aka, until my friend returned from the ladies room) and I was thinking about myself. I was thinking about the fact that I didn't want to stand in awkward silence with this person, around whom I already felt a little insecure, and feel even more uncomfortable. So I forced a conversation that may have actually made someone else feel uncomfortable.

It's ironic how easy it is to revert to former versions of myself. To find myself in these moments where I lose sight of who I am and who grounds me. Moments in which I succumb to insecurity, fear, self doubt, anxiety, and inadequacy. Moments that the enemy preys on my humanity, and that in my humanity, I strive to control life rather than surrender to the one who has given it to me. Moments - many moments - that I make it all about myself. Moments that I place way too much value in earthly, temporary things or other people's opinions. Moments that I seek to draw strength from within myself, rather than from the one who lives IN me. And in my humanity, I fail. Time and time again. These failures are a blessing, a beautiful reminder of my need, and of the truth that, alone, I fail. I will always fail alone. In Him, I triumph. With Him I will always triumph.

How easy it is to forget that truth and go at it alone.

Note to self: must remember, alone I fail. Alone I say things like, "so... do you have a dog?"

the iPad has changed my life

I'll tell you this, I've continued to pray through the struggle of needs vs. wants, but if ever there were a piece o' technology that I need - as in life changing need - that piece o' techno is fo' sho my iPad.

This little nugget of genius has revolutionized my world. It's like my new baby blanket, I don't want to leave it at home, or in the car, I want to sleep with it and take it everywhere I go.

Now maybe that is borderline dysfunctional, but it is what it is. iPad I heart you. Thank you Santa for my iPad, after 25+ years of resentment for never bringing me the Robie Jr. that I asked for at least 7 Christmases in a row, I now forgive you completely. You have made technology amends, and you may continue to visit me annually.

getting out of the mud

where i grew up, there is an activity that many people do for fun, said activity is known as "mudding." it consists of driving a 4-wheel drive car around in the mud - and i mean the thicker, deeper, bigger and muddier the mud, the better.

there was this time that my brother took his truck mudding. it got stuck and it got dark. when one gets their 4-wheel drive vehicle stuck in the mud, one must then find an even larger 4-wheel drive vehicle to get yours "un-stuck." this can prove to be challenging. thus the brother had to leave said stuck vehicle in its stuck-ness overnight. as one would expect - in order to have mud - you need rain. it rained that night. and then it rained some more. and then the aforementioned vehicle drowned. goodbye to you aforementioned 4-wheel drive vehicle, goodbye to you.

we get ourselves into these situations, or rather i often PUT myself into these situations, where i attempt to navigate and drive through the really big, deep, muddy mud. i used to try to maintain a balance between losing control just enough to really enjoy it, and striving to maintain just enough control to not completely lose it.

it's a constant balancing act - the holding on and letting go of control. it's exhausting. i never did it very well. i've quit trying. but sometimes i forget i quit trying, and then just like that - i'm stuck - so marred up in that mud i can't get out.

and then, the rain comes. and i'm really stuck.

and now i am certain of what i already knew, but opted not to think about while i was in the process of getting myself stuck - i need help. i need to be rescued.

i need somebody with a monster truck type of situation to pull me out of the messes i get myself into.

all in all, i think getting stuck in the mud is, without question, totally worth the reminder that i am completely incapable of pulling myself out of the mud. it reminds me of all the things i should have let go of in the first place. it reminds me that the balancing act of control is pointless - i simply can not learn to master what i am humanly incapable of mastering. it reminds me that i am deeply, intensely, and desperately in need of being rescued. i need to be rescued in a huge way.

i got stuck in the mud today - and i was reminded of my need to be rescued, to be pulled out of the mess.

i got reminded that my futile attempts to control and effectively manage situations is pointless, which is why i quit trying to do it in the first place.

i can't make me people be who i want them to be and i can't make people do what i want them to do anymore than someone can make me be who they want me to be or do what they want me to do. it doesn't work that way. with different people comes different personalities, insecurities, character traits,

and different ways of handling - or not handling - certain situations. it can be incredibly frustrating. exhausting even. recognizing i have little to no control over the fact that i'm stuck in the mud, and that i actually am stuck because of my own stubborn selfishness.

and it's so easy in the midst of that frustration to throw it on to others.

to cast blame. to judge behaviors. to deem them weak, incapable, unwilling. to make it all about me, and completely somebody else's fault. but where does that get me when i know i am incapable of saving myself anyway? but i have forgotten, again, that rather than dwelling in the mess, i should have been focused on the rescue.

because that's what its all about.

it's not about me and it's not about someone else. what they've done - or haven't done - it's about the continual recognition that i will never be capable of controlling it all, and that truthfully, i don't want to. it is through surrender, that i find freedom. in that moment of release, my soul and spirit are lifted from the weight of the muddy, dirty, filthy mess that held me down. and i can breathe again.

the mud challenged me today. it challenged me to open my blind eyes, once again, to see my own shortcomings (and I have a gracious plenty.) the craziest part of all is that getting stuck in the mud - as exhausting and frustrating as it may be in the moment - is a tremendous blessing.

it reminds me of my own weakness; my need. it forces me to look at myself and examine my life, to be reminded that i know who i am. i know who i am living for. i know what defines me.

now, if only i could live like i know these things...

i guess that is part of the journey, part of the beauty of being refined one day at a time. so thank you Lord for the mud. thank you for the opportunity to see my own weakness, selfishness, pride and how quick to judge others and point out the splinter in their eye while i ignore the plank in my own. thank you sweet Jesus for the opportunity to seek you in the way i deal with challenging people, and thank you for the way you rescue me from the mud with your bigger than a monster truck sized grace.